Not Rights, But The Right Thing To Do

I had a problem with a boy in class today. Once again, we see an athlete feeling entitlement without accountability, trying to get ahead, while actually falling behind. This young man is a very good person. He was texting in class, and he knew he wasn’t allowed to do so. His excuse was that he was texting his mom. I took his phone away. When he was walking by me later in the class .he asked if he could negotiate with me He was passing notes back and forth with the student next to him. I asked him to stop. He was helping the student with an assignment and I asked him to stop. I pretended to go out of the classroom to check on the time and looked over my shoulder and he was talking with the student after class. I asked him to stay after class.

            I then went to two other kids in the class, both athletes, and asked them to stay after class for a leadership chat. I did not want to criticize the one student in front of the other two. I had picked those two/ students because one was already a very good leader and the other had some setbacks, but I believed he had the ability to be a leader. Both athletes have shown on different occasions to understand the big long term picture of balanced excellence.

             I explained to all three that leading was not a sometimes thing and that the students could easily take shortcuts and that would lead them on a slippery slope to problems. Bad things can happen to good people and do many times over. I then asked the two kids to leave and kept the first boy for some more dialogue.

            Stunned was the only word I can come up with. When I explained to this boy that he had insulted me and lied he denied all behavior. Even though I had set him up to test him when I went to look at the time he said he was not doing it purposely. even though when I was watching him he did not talk to his friend. I explained to him how entitlement can creep into any one’s life and slowly but surely taint their perception of right and wrong.

            It will be interesting to follow this young man’s journey over the next few years. It is my hope that something will click from our talk and he won’t remember me, but the lesson learned.

            One final note to this story. I saw both boys who I let go first in the next couple of days. Both boys had interesting takes on our meeting. One said he did not really understand what I meant by the strength acquired by being humble and being an example of the rules, instead of above them. But to his credit he wanted to learn more. The other boy smiled, and said he understood completely.

            It has come time to take a look at our commitment to each other as teammates and friends, as one community united with each other, not competing with each other, at any one’s expense. We should not be looking at each other to see what we can get away with, or what rights we have but what obligations we can fulfill.Anytime you go against the right thing to do, and that does not mean your rights, you will chip away at the long term good and moral compass that is needed for inner balance.  You will find it easier and more justifiable to be less than forthright and true in the future knowing that you did not receive consequences that your behavior deserved.

BEHAVIOR MATTERS

I DO NOT THINK YOU THINK WHAT YOU THINK

                Gas prices are rising, an unpopular war is being waged, and we are seemingly inundated with messages that tell us to ignore long-term goals and to concentrate on me and today.  Some people respond with a paradigm shift in their thinking.  They stand up and say, “No” to this expensive, time-consuming pursuit of youth sports. 

Quality family time needs to be brought back to the forefront of our goals and desires.  We must regain the balance in our lives.  A sense of community, and what it stands for, needs to be returned to for the benefit of all.  This is what the goal should be: “balanced excellence” in youth sports and in life. There is a need for the voice of logic and reason, based on facts, not fantasy, to change the toxic atmosphere that rears its ugly head in youth sports. 

There is a need for a voice of logic and basic fundamental reasoning based on facts not fancy to change the sometimes toxic atmosphere in youth sports.

What coaches do in the context of a team, in terms of how they grow the team concept, can and will affect the players, now and in the future.  Embrace and praise good manners, unselfishness, camaraderie, and an excellent worth ethic.  These traits will stay with us throughout life. This is why coaches should continually tell their players to visualize past positive team experiences.

                The more we walk on the same path, the easier it is to follow that path.  The easier it is to do, the more consistently we can do it.  When the path is altered, we have a base from which to react confidently. The more relaxed we are, the less stressful situations will affect us, and our performance will increase.  We can choose our paths based on intrinsic knowledge, not on outward pressure.

                This has two benefits:  1. When crisis happens, we are more prepared to handle it calmly and are less likely to have it negatively impact performance, 2. The more relaxed we are, the less energy we use thinking negative thoughts, and we won’t stress out.  Think of how negative thoughts can wear us down, and those around us.

                Think of a friend or relative telling a tale of woe.  Look at him. See how just by telling the tale wears on him.  Imagine how the actual event must have felt.  See him tense up. Remember how it felt during the conversation.  Apply the knowledge gained to everything in life.  Pay it forward, as the saying goes.

There was an expression, “Positive. Keep it positive.” I told this to my players. I repeatedly tell my children the same thing. But, since I am only around them 20% of their day, other friends and peers have a great influence on them. I continually reinforce the message through actions and examples. The base has to be set and stay reliable for them, so that when they leave me, they will have a foundation on how to handle life’s travails and react positively to the world around them.

Good manners are paramount in setting the base.  Fundamental skills are needed to be successful in all areas of life.  Compassion and thoughtfulness are key components of manners and success.  We want to emulate leaders we admire. Find one who is solid and stable. He must be grounded in the fundamentals. Watch him; learn from him. Then, find your own path. Be polite in all things. Saying “shut up” never works. It is one of the most overused, abused and hurtful phrases used in everyday speech. People say it’s nothing, but it is something. Its use is demeaning and bossy and has a lingering undertow.   Please try to avoid saying it.  It cannot help us achieve a positive outcome.  It inflames when we are trying to achieve calmness. 

It is not a life sentence of eternal damnation to be wrong.  Don’t “jump on” someone just because he or she makes a mistake.  We should admit our mistakes. We are all going to make one soon enough.  When we apologize, we can say, “My bad”or“I’m sorry” and mean it.  Do it in a classy manner.  Be gracious when someone apologizes to you. “Please” and “thank you” are simple fundamentals. We don’t use them often enough. Neither do our players.  People would be surprised if they truly knew the impression that those words, and manners in general, make on others when said.  It also makes the person saying them feel good too.

KEEP FLIPPING THE SWITCH

                Instead of perpetuating questionable behavior with subjective, irrational thought and actions, it’s time to say, “Enough is enough!”  Parents and players should be made aware of the dangers ahead and not get overwhelmed and dragged down by the negative emotions.  We are going to set an example of decent, proper behavior, even while others choose negativity and entitlement over positive reinforcement.  It is time to stop the tsunami and put fun back as the number one priority of youth sports.  We need to take a stand. The future of our children’s happiness and contentment and their children’s depends on this.

                Look at what is going on and examine whether or not this is the future we want to hand to our children.  The issue of ethics both on and off the field will have paramount importance in the quality of life we seek for ourselves and our children in youth sports.

                We are social creatures by definition. Treating others as we would like to be treated is a foundation of life. This maxim forms an excellent base from which to grow.  Its youth sports: not professional sports, behavior counts.

RUBBER NECKING

RUBBER NECKING

                We tend to look around for the outrageous and the outlandish as a way to vent frustration about what’s happening in our own day to day existence. We can say, “Hey, I’m not so bad after all!” or “What a jerk that guy is!” but still pay attention to his or her behavior.  The athlete can be categorized in many negative ways.  But what we don’t understand is that when we do that, we are giving the athlete the attention he or she craves to fuel continued poor behavior.  It emboldens them.  Gives them the attention they are craving so they keep doing it.  They get the short term attention they desire. It becomes like a drug. They need more and more of it with less and less benefits and satisfaction.  Be careful we do not do the same kinds of things with our children and athletes.  Try to not reinforce negative behavior.  By continuing to play a player when they are playing poorly, just because they are one of your more talented players, a coach reinforces the fact that if you play poorly, and are talented, you get special treatment. 

                Some athletes think just like Madison Avenue.  Any publicity is good publicity. When coaches keep giving attention to poor behavior on and off the field, we encourage more of the same kind of behavior. It is really basic.  If a child misbehaves and the coaches keep talking to the child, making excuses for the behavior instead of disciplining the bad behavior, they just reinforce the behavior. A long winded lecture has the same result. The child sees our response as getting our attention so he continues the behavior.  Whether it is positive or negative attention, he’s still getting the attention he craves.  Frustration then grows. Coaches then resort to harsh tactics to verify frustration at the child when in reality the frustration is within.  The coach is enabling the child to disable his own growth.  The situation can become untenable.  The coach gets frustrated, the child gets frustrated…the cycle continues.

                Hard work and effort should be rewarded as much as talent.  In the long term, the life skills messages taught far outweigh the benefits of a short term win. It’s all about teamwork, effort, and having fun.  When you follow the rules and don’t try to be above them, when you set the example instead of being the exception, it is then that you realize the true purpose of youth sports.  It is enlightenment not entitlement. 

A NEW WAY TO COACH

         I was recently talking to a high school football player.  His season was over and he commented about what went on with the new craze of 7 on 7.  He came to me asking what I thought he should do.

         I did not answer him directly.  What I did was inquire as to how much fun he had playing football this past season.  He said it was OK.  The team had done well, he started, but you could tell there was something missing.  I probed further.  He told me of a game where he was playing defensive back.  The game was out of hand and one of his coaches kept screaming at the players on the field.  He was directing them and shouting instructions.  When the ball was snapped, he was not in position to make a play.  The wide receiver went by him in a flash and scored a touchdown.

       The next time they got on defense, the coach was yelling at him about his last play and demanding that he not let the wide receiver get past him.  He said he had to tune out the coach so he could do his job.  He stopped talking and asked me with his eyes what I thought.

       Here’s what I told him.  “If I was your coach I would have pulled you aside and told you, ‘Listen, I watched two hours of tape on this wide receiver.  Every time he points his right foot inward he runs a slant pattern.  Next time he does it I want you to jump the route.  If he fakes and goes long, I’ll take full responsibility for the play.  But it is important to me that you know I’m behind you and giving you an opportunity to use your skills to the best of your ability without having to worry about consequences.  I think you will play better this way and have a lot more fun.’”  His only response was, “Mr. Stanley, with knowledge from the heavens.”

      You see, it is not about winning and losing. It is about getting better, feeling good, and enjoying playing sports. Ask any DI athlete, and they will tell you some of the best games they played did not end in victory. Winning is the result of doing the little things right, embracing fundamentals and team sacrifice.

      This young man told me he is still thinking about what I told him that day. That should be our goal as coaches and parents. Not to have the children be our own personal joy stick or robot for our own status, but not to need us, be independent and grow, while maintaining and building upon the things we taught them, and they behavior we modeled.

ASK THE KIDS, ITS THEIR SPORT NOT YOURS

       Have you asked the kids if winning are why they play youth sports? WE HAVE! It's their sport. Here's what a majority answer. They play for fun! What is being advocated by many people is an extrinsic reward on a child’s internal development before they are fully developed. The test, winning a game, takes priority in terms of its importance to the child versus development?  Does the child who sits up first, crawls first, walks first, automatically become the fastest child? NO!

       Extrinsic rewards may help a few but when did we start teaching to the few. The rewards’ start to lose their meaning and the children need more and more of them with less and less satisfaction. Not unlike an addiction.

        Education in life and sports does not always have to be so cut and dried at an early age. How many more lessons are taught before a test is given? How many teachers ask for more time to plan lessons and work with their children before they give a test?

      Rewarding someone when they don’t do well can be just as  harmful as giving a trophy to a child  just because he participated How many games are not competitive, or are only a few really good players getting most of the playing time, just because they are better at an early age?.With many youth sports teams set up so that better players are on one team and then played at the expense of the other children just to win a meaningless game. This victory or win is going to affect the way they deal with their friends, co workers, spouse, and children later on in life. They will believe, because they were trained this way to put more value on self than community. So many games against so many opponents and the kids are pressured to win, the parents and organizations buy into it and the parents support it. It sets a precedent. I’m not for trophies for anyone.
What happened to the value of a job well done? The kids know when they get whupped; they know when they played well. The scoreboard you refer to is mostly for adults. The kids don’t care 10 minutes after the game is over. They change their minds all the time. If you are talking anything under varsity level high school development takes precedent over winning.
75% of all the 10 year old kids playing youth sports quit by the time they are 13. Winning and losing at an early age does nothing to prepare them for life. Getting along with each other is way more valuable and happens way more often in their lives, and thus is way more important to learn.
       I coached for 21 years at the collegiate level and never once talked to the kids about winning. I graduated 28 doctors and lawyers and 24 engineers. I thought that’s how we kept score. This experiment that I called teaching has culminated in over 30 championships for the teams I coached and played on. The championships we won pale in comparison to the lives we changed. That comes from notes from my players.

      The players rarely talk about the championships when I see them or hear from them. It’s always about the journey. Inter team competition is what motivated us. True completion is not resolved by the score at the end of the game, but in giving your all against the sport with your teammates.

      If you insist on comparing youth sports to the workplace, then let’s do it. When you first get a job are you tested on how well you do it? Doesn’t the boss stress getting along and working together? Isn't most of you time spent getting along with instead of competing with co-workers and other companies? You get a paycheck once a week, once every two weeks, or once a month. That is your trophy!