Mother, Smother, and Lose

                This story is about a young teen age golfer who was playing in his club championship. His family belongs to a very exclusive country club. The level of competition for this championship is quite elite. Most of the golfers are at least a 2 or 3 handicap and there are more than one scratch golfer playing. Only the top sixteen qualify to play in the tournament. This young man had won the championship the year before as a seventeen year old and defending this prestigious championship “plate” was extremely difficult.

                 The three day tournament consisted of one 18 hole match the first day, two 18 hole matches the second day, provided you won the first, and then a 36 hole marathon on Sunday for the championship.

                The first day he was pitted against the sixteenth best player in the tournament as the defending champion. He won easily. The next day he had to play two matches, which were single elimination, eighteen holes a piece. The first match on the second day was not as easy. This opponent was a previous club champion. This is when it started to get interesting.  

                Understand that at this point the young man is feeling good about himself. His confidence is high. He and the caddy had played youth sports together (not golf) and you could see the bond and comfort level between the two. The golfer is kind of quiet and the caddy seems to be a very sociable kind of guy. He was an accomplished athlete in his own right playing two team sports at the varsity level in High School.

                 Two friends competing as a team, enjoying being together in a competitive environment. One, the caddy, in a supporting role, the other knowing full well the importance of feeling confident to play well, had entrusted his mental well being on the golf course to his friend and colleague based on the journey they had shared, and the friendship they had formed, while playing youth sports together.     There was a great balance between them and obvious trust, two key components in youth sports and life. It was a pleasure to watch. With no interference or micro managing, these two young men had figured out how to best approach this tournament by themselves, as they should.

                During the first day, the young man’s mom was in attendance and was quite cordial. She bought the caddie something to eat and drink, and was generally quiet an unassuming. Things changed drastically the second day as the competition rose. The mom was hovering. She was giving the young guy instructions about how to play. The further in to the tournament the more she interjected into the proceedings. She even started giving instructions to the caddy about what to say and do with her son on the golf course. She would tell the caddy to “help him finish his back swing.” She then commented about hydration, eating, and toweling off. You could see the caddy trying to be polite to the mom, all the while wanting to concentrate on helping his pal and friend stay focused. The first match on the second day ended in a victory.

Well since this match had ended in a victory the mom subconsciously thought that she needed to escalate her involvement in the second match that day. If it helped him win the first match, WHICH IT DIDN’T, then surely following the youth sports a mantra that more is better, she had better up the anty in this next match.

                The second match that day escalated or deteriorated depending on whose point of view you have, into a mother’s domination, a child’s frustration, and a total collapse of concentration and mechanics by this young man until he totally tuned her out, burned out, and lost.

                The match was tight. After they made the turn to go to the back nine, the men were tied. You could start to see cracks in the young man’s game.

                 I stop here to analyze and reveal to you exactly what happened behind the scenes that literally no one was aware of except maybe the caddy and the played, but neither was aware of what happened and its effect on them as I was. The constant interference by the well intentioned mom had started to distract this young man from concentrating on each shot. He needed to be in a relaxed state of mind so his muscles could execute their training over the years in a positive manner. But what happened was the pre frontal cortex started to but in and wreaks havoc. He couldn’t just play and enjoy the journey and the competition on his own and let his talents rule the day. Just like parents yelling at their child from the sidelines in a youth sports game, this mom hindered, not helped this young man. You could see the actual struggle play out in this young man’s mind on the golf course, His game fell apart and he lost.

                I have repeatedly stressed in my talks, the book I wrote on youth sports, and seminars I give, how important the mental aspect of youth sports are , and how valuable confidence, and positive reinforcement are to an athlete now and in the future. They are children, and no matter how much we wish and hope for them to do well, their lives are journey’s we can’t and shouldn’t try to control the outcome. That’s not competition but a new bizarre form of entitlement.

                Now, if you have been following my journey through youth sports, and have read my book you will know that I really truly do not believe that winning or losing this tournament was such a big deal. What I do believe strongly about is the young man’s future relationship with his mom, his friends, his future wife, business associates, and his children.

                 You may think that this is reach but I assure it is not. I have watched this scenario play out over and over again in many different sports with many different families and the outcome is almost always the same. With this caveat. Most parents and children fail to see the connection between what happened to them during their time associated with youth sports and the travails, failings of relationships and acrimony that manifests itself later in life with their parents and friends.

                 Now I am not saying all the problems facing people in the future are totally a product of youth sports and their involvement in it. But if you think about the time, importance, money, prestige, status, and angst you have seen attached to youth sports it becomes pretty clear that there is a strong influential connection.

                This young man was in tears after the loss. His mom felt terrible as she had THOUGHT she had done everything she could possibly do to help her son, when the best thing she could have done was to let him be. Cheer politely when he made a good shot and support him quietly when he did not. So when he butts in when his girlfriend is trying to do something, or at his job, or as a dad, or is surly at a family gathering, no one will remember and connect what happened that weekend and probably previous weekends to the problems he is having as an adult, well that is until now. NOW YOU KNOW!

Adult Recreational Sports into the Fray

Adult recreational sports are the topic of the week. More and more violence is being reported in adult leagues and even pickup games. Many people have weighed in on the subject. I feel that they have made some excellent points but I think we need to look at the root of the problem. Could it be that having children play one sport year round is starting to manifest itself in adults who went through the system?

            There certainly is a connection. The same people who were playing one sport year round over the last couple of decades are now playing adult sports.

            Where it used to be a player who was not very good would buy the expensive jersey or even whole uniform and put his own name on the back. He might even put a big “C” on the front of his jersey and go out and play. All of us playing saw this outfit as a warning sign to be careful around this guy. He whacked his way around the ice and was generally the worst player out there.

            I have been to pick up games and adult league games over the last few years and I am stunned to say the least. Violence and total disregard for the safety and well being of teammates and opposing players is manifesting itself. I continually here friends say they have stopped playing their favorite sport because they want to go work the next morning without any resulting injuries from the night before lingering.

            Soon, you will see on my website an interview with Clint Campbell ex Montreal Junior Canadien center, and Colgate University hockey player explain what he has seen in adult recreational sports and why he thinks so many guys are quitting.

            It is my opinion that this phenomenon can be attributed to a great deal from the one sport year round hang over. What happened was these children, now grown up, were told repeatedly that they would get a DI scholarship by those around them. They practiced, played hundred of games, and sometimes traveled all over the country only to see that they did not have the talent to play at the next level. They paid, or their families paid the equivalent of a Mercedes Benz and ended up with a Yugo.

             These athletes were told they were elite when really all they were was the best of who could afford to pay. They perceived value in what they were doing. The thought was more is better. If you buy a more expensive car it is worth more. The same does not hold true for youth sports. Some of the best athletes in the world did not play organized sports until they were 12 years old.

            It used to be in a pickup game that the two sides would make sure they game was pretty close and competitive. If you were ahead of my team by a large margin in the first ten minutes of the game the ‘captains of each team would meet, make a trade of a couple of players to even things out and start over. Now that is not always the case. I have seen more and more pick up games where one team wants to have as many of the best players available and will crush the other team to the greatest extent possible.

This is not competition as we know it. It is just another example of the long term effects of playing one sport year round that most people don’t see. Because, as parents, we are no longer attending those games, and don’t see what is happening or effecting our children after they leave us. Well, I have seen a few parents at these games, but that is a different topic for a different time.  You do remember how much frustration and angst was present in the games you watched as your children were growing up? Did you really think there would not be consequences in the future? Or did you not even think of it? Either way it’s here now and must be looked and possibly attached as a cause and effect correlation to the out of control world of youth sports.

            You know what the number one growth sports are for adults in the United States? Whiffle ball. You know why? It’s fun. I can take a person who has never played whiffle ball and if you give me five minutes with them I can show them how to do some really nasty things to a whiffle ball when they pitched it to a batter. Conversely I could have the greatest stud baseball player and either makes him look silly with a pitch or even if he cranked it, have the ball travel about fifty feet. Its fun to play whiffle ball and boys and girl can PLAY together and have FUN!

quietly getting better

Frozenshorts was active again in the youth sports this month. This time it was working with urban children in a semi tournament environment. Children were brought together for academics and athletics to help prepare them and give them a head start towards high school. These mostly eighth graders were formed into teams for different sports including, baseball, soccer, basketball, and touch football.

                This program has been around for quite some time and really has shown a benefit to the children and the community. The children study academics in the morning which include Social Studies, English and Math. After that they had lunch and participated in some activities before having some free time to play in an open gym environment.

                The Social Studies class I taught took a decidedly different twist as to what the children were going to study. We started out with a short movie about the declaration of independence, move on to the Civil War. We connected both of those events to Frederick Douglas, the Civil Rights movement in the 1960’s, The Viet Nam War, and finally this year’s Presidential Election.

They had a debate over the North and South in the Civil War and also a Presidential debate which they then presented to the rest of the children in the other Social Studies class in the form of a campaign speech. We then held a general election on the last day of class.

                The children made up a list of ten things that they thought were important about the Declaration of Independence and the people who signed them. The list was covered up and then with each subsequent event in American History, we went back and found how those things the children put up on their lists were still relevant to each new event.

                You see it was the journey that was important. How was civil disobedience manifested, and in what form throughout the history of the United Sates? How could they learn from these events and apply the ideas and thoughts they had on their lists to their life today. How important it was to listen to what others had to say and try to understand their point of view if not necessarily agreeing with them.

                Now for the sports parts. Because of the interviews I have been doing with athletes and coaches I was unable to attend some of the sporting events. When I did I was mostly and observer. I wanted to watch and see what was happening.

                Here goes. In the basketball tournament I was observing a lot of coaching of the players. It seemed the coaches were being quite competitive for the games and some kids, unfortunately were not getting a lot of playing time. A coach yelled at a player to “get his head into the game” while another said to kids “you’re embarrassing yourselves out there.”

                One coach, however, made a list of all his players and the substitution pattern so that each kid got equal playing time.

                 We had a young man on our team who was a ball hog. He was “High Stepping” while he dribbled and was causing quite a bit of consternation with the head coach and the other players on the team. He would get yelled at, but continued to play and individual style of play. Finally I pulled him aside after. I told him that it did not look like he was having much fun, nor were his teammates. There seemed to be stress and angst everywhere on the court and sidelines. I suggested to him a solution to his problem. Why didn’t he pass the ball to the other players and get them involved. While the other team was guarding the guy with the ball, he could run free to get open and use his speed to create an opening in the defense and to create a little confusion. He looked at me a little funny but agreed to try it. The first time he passed the ball the other player wasn’t ready to receive it. Why, because he was not used to this young man passing the ball unless he was blocked or guarded to closely to continue to dribble.

He gave me a look on the sideline as if to say, “See, that’s why I don’t pass.” I calmly told him to relax and to tell another boy that he would be passing him the ball the next time he got it. Things started to click. On the last play of the game this young man passed the ball and broke for the basket, along home run passed nestled cleanly into his hands and he put up the winning shot.

                In our homeroom on the last day of class I asked this man what he had learned and he said teamwork was for fun, the team played better, and he enjoyed playing basketball now instead of it being so difficult.

                During the football tournament, things did not go so smoothly. We did not have a true quarterback and had to take out lumps. I suggested to our head coach that he give one of the players a try at the position as he was throwing the ball well during open gym. The kid was a little nervous and at first said he did not want to do it. In the next game he changed his mind and gave it a try. In the very first series of downs on the very first play, he threw an interception and you could see he did not want to try that again. However he did catch the game winning ball in the end zone and lit up like a Christmas tree.

Another boy was given a chance to quarterback. He panicked and dropped the ball. However in the last series of downs he made an interception to end the other teams’ final drive.

The last boy to quarterback certainly had the talent. He complained though that receivers weren’t getting open and that they were not catching the ball when it was thrown to them. I pulled him aside ad quietly suggested that he tell the guys to look quickly for a pass when they left the line of scrimmage.  First pass incomplete, and then it started. Three touchdown drives in a row.  Quick short passes to different kids with smiles all around. After the game he came over to me and smiled. I asked if he had fun, it was not the question he thought I was going to ask. He said “yes”, I said” good.”

                At the end of the school semester I gathered three of the young men around me and asked them if when they take a test in school if the teacher stood over them yelling instructions to them and telling them what to do? All three shook their heads no. I then asked why then should coaches do it to them during a game or practice? All three looked at each other and then one said to me, “I never thought of it that way.”

                There are now five athletes who are going to play youth sports differently than they would have before they were shown the Frozen Shorts way. We take baby steps, little baby steps, but those five guys, and maybe not all five, will now have a clear vision on how important it is to have fun when they play youth sports. And they will show others the way, and so forth and so on….and so it goes.

A quarter of the Time

Youth sports. You would think that the name would bring a smile to your face and thoughts of past fun and friends. But once again I have been involved in a drama that has played out on a field of six-year-old soccer players. The two coaches involved here have good intentions. However, it is the subjectivity involved in their decisions that brings the children’s long-term best interest into question.

          What is it that drives a person to hold onto their position as a coach so tightly? Are they dissatisfied with their life and their work situation? Have they been screwed over in their life and are trying to make sure that the same thing does not happen to their children? Is it the fact that they have seen other kids being screwed, and so they think they can do better than that coach did? Do they watch coaches on T.V. and yearn for the same status that professional and DI coaches have?

          This next scenario played out in a six-year-old house soccer league. We came in and made a presentation to the B.O.D. They liked what we had to say. Their season had already started, just practices, and there was some question as to whether this would disrupt the current staff’s coaching. I was more concerned that someone believed that the coach of a six-year-old house soccer team could be interrupted, but I digress.

          I went to one practice, and to say it went well would be an understatement. The kids loved our play for fun scenario. The coaches enjoyed the way the kids had so much fun. The Director saw what we were doing and was pleased. The parents commented on how much fun the kids had and how much soccer they got to play.

          Essentially, we let the kids play “Simon Says” with the coach and “Hokey Pokey” as a team, until finally they played a short sided game. Great fun was had by all. Well, the coach had to run a lot. I told the kids at the end of the “Simon Says” game, that “Simon Says” chase the coach!! Without knowing, it they learned to stop and start, change directions, balance, and a little upper body strength as the coach let them tackle her. It was wonderful.

           I approached two of the other coaches in the league about what we were doing and to put it lightly, they were not pleased. The first coach told me that his son was going to play in a big hockey tournament in Canada the next weekend, and that he was selected by an ex-DI coach. There were kids from three different organizations going up for this “big” tournament. When I stated there were no big tournaments in July for hockey, the coach became indignant. I then told him that these kids were not the best kids from the area, just the kids whose families could afford to pay to go to Canada. What happened next floored me. The coach said that he could not afford to go to the tournament and had to skip a $500 mortgage payment to make the trip. His son was the goalie, and if he didn’t have this structure, he would be running around on the ice hitting the kids with his stick.

          One side note. This coach’s son played the whole game, every game, and played most of the game at the top striker position. When a water break was called, he was the only player to not join the rest of his teammates in a circle. A coincidence, I think not. The other kids shared the playing time.

          The other coach took great offense to my approach also. She thought she was hired to coach these kids and that was just what she was going to do.  She inquired if my approach allowed them to play a championship game at the end of the season.

          I watched them play a game against each other. There were four quarters of eight minutes played. I kept track of the actual time played on a stopwatch. They averaged less than three minutes a quarter. During the first half they shouted approximately 27 commands to the children, ones that were not cheering and encouragement.

           After the game was over we tried to have the children play a fun game. It seems that the parents had been tipped off and some chose not to have their kids play. Before our game started, the coach said to everyone, “I really don’t know what is going on, and of course you do not have to stay”. The other coach told the kids on multiple occasions not to hurt the parents when they kicked the ball in to the goals. It was an absolute disaster, except for the fact that a couple of kids had a grand old time kicking and running around.