The Prom

The Prom

From time to time I am asked by both athletes and their coaches this question: What do I do about the High School Prom? My simple answer is go. However my answer, in this day and age of specialization and year round participation in youth and high school sports, needs an explanation.

 For those of you who have followed me over the years, that usually means a story or an analyzation/comparison is about to happen. This is no exception. For those that don’t follow me, well this is how I relate things to people in hopes that they will be able to relate what I say to their own personal experience in life. If that makes any sense, please keep reading.

A few years back a very good athlete came to me with this problem. He was invited to go to a prom but his club team was going way out of town that weekend. Since these trips were “showcases” for this player and in his family’s minds, he feared missing the trip. Also, the coach, and with the tacit approval of a DI coach of a school he was interested in going to, made it clear he should go on the trip so as not to fall behind the other players, maybe miss being seen by a DI coach, or some other self serving nonsense to that effect. He was their star player and they knew without him, they, meaning the coach and the organization, would possibly lose face if they went half way across the country and lost. Also, what excuse with they use for not having their star player playing in the game? How would they look to other “Kool Aid drinking organizations?

Let me make this clear. A night at the Prom is a night he will remember for the rest of his life. (I still remember my date to the Senior Ball.) He and his friends are going to get all dressed up, the girls are going to look fabulous, they are going to go to a fancy restaurant, possible rent a limo as a group, and have a really good time experiencing a part of teenage life growing up to adult hood. They will be creating memories that last a lifetime. This kind of event can ONLY help this person’s all around well being. It is a once in a lifetime event and should be cherished by ALL, not used as a way to exert external force over a child.

But, after explaining this to this player, I could tell he was still not convinced. So I said to him: “I happen to be connected to this college in a very small way. I doubt sincerely if I was to get a message to the Athletic Director that he would be on board with the idea that you had to skip the Prom for another game, in another town, and another “showcase.”  I told him if you are good enough, as an ex college coach I can say for most certainty, we will find you. But I also said to him do you really want to play for someone who has their priorities messed up, and doesn’t see the big picture?”  This coach is putting himself and the organization in front of your personal needs and desires. You’re going to have a lot more fun at the Prom than at this game, I assure you. He went to the Prom. One year later the coach of his college team, yes that coach was fired.

Money Money Money

Recent data coming out points to parents that are higher up on the economic scale both socially and financially tend to spend more money on their children’s athletic pursuits. That makes sense on many levels. Youth and even high school sports are becoming more and more expensive to participate. Parents who have more money therefore have the economic means and the social motivation to “keep up with the Jones.”

But in my 30 years of watching, coaching, mentoring, and writing my book on youth sports, I have encountered another side to this phenomenon. Most parents both work. They do not have the time to devote huge amounts of time to their children’s jam packed nonstop schedule during the week, so they write a check.  On weekends one goes one way with a child and the other goes in a different direction with another sibling. It relieves some of the guilt and gives them a feeling of partnership in their kids’ youth and high school sports activities.

But it doesn’t really. The kids feel the pressure that comes with expensive pursuits. We keep saying how smart kids are these days but we don’t give them nearly enough credit for their ability to figure things out. True, many are scheduled into the ground on a mostly daily basis, and therefore don’t have time to think  and analyze what is happening to them on a day to day basis, but their brains and bodies take care of that for them. The brain sends signals with chemicals and the body reacts by being tired or injured and the kids internally feel bad and emotionally tired. They stop having fun and quit. 70% of them quit by the time they are 13.Others find different ways to rebel. Many student athletes are not going to a college that has their chosen sport just so they don’t have to justify and defend to their parents why they stop playing. Others get to college, play half heartedly and either are cut or quit. Some even experience a career ending injury to justify not making the team or to stop playing altogether.

This is what the youth and high school sports journey has morphed into. It has become an adulting or professionalizing of our children’s sports. The kids don’t like it and neither do I.

97%

97% of the 2010 Olympic athletes were multi sport athletes. In the 2013 NFC and AFC championship games ALL 4 quarterbacks played baseball in high school. Three were drafted by MLB. The other played Legion ball. Their names: Peyton Manning, Colin Kaspernick, Tom Brady, and Russell Wilson. The #1 prospect in ALL of baseball Byron Buxton played three sports in high school and played varsity football for 4 years in high school. 41 of 47 FULL ATHLETIC SCHOLARSHIP RECRUITS by national champion "THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY" played multiple sports in high school

  I am not saying to beat yourself up or to feel that you need to defend yourself. We are not a gotcha company. What I am saying is that now that you have experienced this, tell your children, that there is a different way so they don’t repeat this with their kids, or coach their kids this way. They will understand. They know you are human. When you admit to mistakes, they actually trust you more. Ours did. They do love you.

 I am speaking in Vegas end of month to Pediatric Orthopeadic Surgeons of North America (POSNA). $1.25 BILLION spent last year on overuse injuries and 40% of that on children under 14. We are making a difference, but each time a parent says the way they did it was right but others are messing it up it just creates more entitlement. I have yet to hear of a 20 year reunion of a modified basketball team. If the coach says you have to do this to play for him do you really want your child in that entitled environment. It’s not competition, remember that. I have worked with, mentored, and coached over 5000 kids and I will tell you the great multi sport athlete, the ONLY ones who are going to get full ride athletic scholarships, do not have to follow those rules and they don’t. It’s mostly the ones that will never have a real chance, and are trying to buy their way into talent. If you looked at spending this amount money on say an investment portfolio, no broker would tell you to take this risk. No teacher would tell you they taught their students this way. It’s a race that doesn’t exist, and should be treated as such. The pts per game per season against other kids whose parents can afford to pay doesn’t necessarily mean talent. It’s just another way to entice. In some cases there is a separation for those who are invited and don’t have to pay. This happens in ALL sports. But what is missed, is that the balance needed in life, and the coping mechanisms learned by playing multiple sports are lost. The child, and they are children, lose out on being with different adults, different skills for different activities and the specialization hinders the Childs all around development. As a head coach in college hockey I can tell you 80% of our job is recruiting and we love our jobs. If you are good enough we will find you. 85% of ALL kids who go to college go within a 3 hour drive. Having a recruiting service or an aau pedigree only increases their external value forced on a child which is not what they need for life. Many parents quoted statistics to me over the years. What we care about as college coaches is how you made your teammates better. How did you fare against the top competition? How did you treat your parents and friends, especially the lesser talented ones? How were your grades in school? You pay money, and therefore you want something in return. that is adulting kids. most parents don’t. Everyone else is the problem. I understand rationalization and the emotion of parenting, guilt, and doing the right thing. I for one drank the kool aid with my son. I hear from more and more aau parents’ coaches and college coaches about the problems they see. I have been to numerous tournaments, its part of my job. What I see each time I go is sad to say the least and borderline abusive. 1% of all kids who go to a 4 year college play at the DI level. Avg. DI scholarship $10,780 a year. But it really is not that much because Football and basketball are head count sports. (Full) Only half of the 1% who play at the DI level play for free. Then 1% of that 1% go on to pro. That life expectancy is 4 years in pro sports... Average pro salary $80K 77 times more non athletic scholarships than athletic. 25% of all kids going to college get some non athletic financial aid only 1% get athletic financial aid. PLAY FOR FUN! I just had a meeting with a big time college AD. At the end he said, oh my vive been doing it wrong all along with my kids (and he ended up divorced) I said, that is in the past. now you know the difference. spread the word Until we can convince the ones like you who get it that it is important to say we could have done it differently and share that with friends and family, our struggle to change this culture will be even more difficult. You knew something was amiss and you did your best to fight it. well done There is no medical evidence that not playing year round makes you rusty. There is plenty that says the opposite. playing other sports actually makes you a better basketball player as many pro players will tell you. the medical evidence is overwhelmingly positive just in injuries for those who don’t play one sport year round. I know it’s hard, but if we can’t convince the really good parents like you that there is a different way to raise kids in this difficult environment, our job is going to get even harder

Is it hammer time?

Now, I try not to hammer people in public, but I’m starting to rethink this philosophy. For one, as a friend told me, trying to reach the people that know it all is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of your time and annoys the hell out of the pig. So you might as well go down swinging. Secondly, our Company is not a gotcha company. We are here to educate, not pound. But, as I give more and more presentations, I am faced by the fact that many people, especially highly paid professionals, who are not used to be told they are misguided, think they have the answers while ignoring the facts that are right in front of them, because they too have succumbed to the dreaded “keep up with the Joneses.” No question parenting is difficult, and the youth and high school sports programs have, in many cases, added to this difficulty, and exasperated it. I have been to over 1000 high school games and practices and I can tell you the reaction of the coaches, players, and fans has taken a decided turn to the seriousness side. The children having fun and as a priority has been replaced by win now, manage the game, and the adulting of youth and high school sports. The short term pursuit of victory has had a long term negative effect on most everyone involved.

Some research is showing that the higher up the pay scale the more the parent will spend on their child's athletic pursuit. When this happens the child feels obligated and pressured to perform for the parent to justify the large expense his family has spent on his/her athletic pursuit. Some research shows that in lower income situations, the athletic scholarship pursuit is being used as a means to an end with little kids being pushed, prodded, and professionalized instead of just letting them be kids in the pursuit of the almighty DI athletic scholarship and a professional career.

I want to make three points here that I think are needed. First, most parents want what is best for their child, I understand that. But my second point is that what they think is best for their child is not based on science, psychology, and data in youth and high school sports. For the most part, they feel that if they don’t drink the kool aid their children will fall behind and lose out, even though, most data suggests that it is a race that doesn’t exist. Only 1% of all the kids who go to college play at the DI level and only half of that 1% play for free. Lastly, I understand the 5% rule in Psychology. There are 5% I will never reach. BUT, I feel that most parents who do not speak up during my talks still have many questions I can see it in their eyes and body language when I speak. They stay around and listen as I answer questions after my talks, programs, and workshops. For most airing their concerns in a public forum is not for them. They still need to hear the truth, and with it, how absurd some of the arguments are being made for parents to continue this course of action for their children. 

I d'ont think you think what you think

Everyone runs faster when they are being chased. Kids are already competitive. We have to teach them to share and help others. That’s long term development. So don’t let kids sit on the bench. Play them all. It leads to better competition and development. Kids need to have fun when they play.How many times did your kids change their mind when they were little as to what they wanted to do during a day?No to specialization for kids Don’t mange games, build relationships. You say you play to win, I play to compete. In the long run I have a better chance of winning than you do. The higher up you go everyone is good. What happens when you get to the next level and you are not the best player anymore? Where you taught to help make your teammates better? Or just to wait your turn? That’s entitlement. True competition is play by performance. All those games you played the whole game aren’t helping. They taught you bad habits. Hey, want to have some fun today? Work getting you down? You bored just sitting around? So do the kids when they don’t get to play. Playing your best players against a poor team reduces competition. Play against the game in that situation. Inter team competition rules the day. More is not always better.

A Kentucky basketball players says something dumb

A Kentucky basketball player says something dumb.

From the time they are kids, little 8 year old kids, they play "elite" travel. At 10 they are told they are athletes and special.They now have an extrinsic value put on them for what should be an internal realization and fun. Adulting kids. At 13 they are interviewed and travel all over the place. Lots of money is spent and made on these kids.Entitlement on and off the playing field with very few consequences are the norm not the exception. In my talks all over the country I repeatedly tell people Im surprised that you are surprised that this kind of behavior is happening. How did you think this was going to turn out. Unless we introduce manners, community, and equal play 10 and under the problem, with this kind of outburst, will only continue and get worse. And Im at fault too for commenting on it in this post.