This
story is about a young teen age golfer who was playing in his club
championship. His family belongs to a very exclusive country club. The level of
competition for this championship is quite elite. Most of the golfers are at
least a 2 or 3 handicap and there are more than one scratch golfer playing.
Only the top sixteen qualify to play in the tournament. This young man had won
the championship the year before as a seventeen year old and defending this prestigious
championship “plate” was extremely difficult.
The three day tournament consisted of one 18
hole match the first day, two 18 hole matches the second day, provided you won the
first, and then a 36 hole marathon on Sunday for the championship.
The first day he was pitted against
the sixteenth best player in the tournament as the defending champion. He won
easily. The next day he had to play two matches, which were single elimination,
eighteen holes a piece. The first match on the second day was not as easy. This
opponent was a previous club champion. This is when it started to get
interesting.
Understand
that at this point the young man is feeling good about himself. His confidence
is high. He and the caddy had played youth sports together (not golf) and you
could see the bond and comfort level between the two. The golfer is kind of
quiet and the caddy seems to be a very sociable kind of guy. He was an
accomplished athlete in his own right playing two team sports at the varsity
level in High School.
Two friends competing as a team, enjoying
being together in a competitive environment. One, the caddy, in a supporting
role, the other knowing full well the importance of feeling confident to play
well, had entrusted his mental well being on the golf course to his friend and
colleague based on the journey they had shared, and the friendship they had
formed, while playing youth sports together. There
was a great balance between them and obvious trust, two key components in youth
sports and life. It was a pleasure to watch. With no interference or micro
managing, these two young men had figured out how to best approach this tournament
by themselves, as they should.
During
the first day, the young man’s mom was in attendance and was quite cordial. She
bought the caddie something to eat and drink, and was generally quiet an
unassuming. Things changed drastically the second day as the competition rose.
The mom was hovering. She was giving the young guy instructions about how to
play. The further in to the tournament the more she interjected into the
proceedings. She even started giving instructions to the caddy about what to
say and do with her son on the golf course. She would tell the caddy to “help
him finish his back swing.” She then commented about hydration, eating, and
toweling off. You could see the caddy trying to be polite to the mom, all the
while wanting to concentrate on helping his pal and friend stay focused. The
first match on the second day ended in a victory.
Well since this match had ended in a victory the mom
subconsciously thought that she needed to escalate her involvement in the
second match that day. If it helped him win the first match, WHICH IT DIDN’T,
then surely following the youth sports a mantra that more is better, she had
better up the anty in this next match.
The
second match that day escalated or deteriorated depending on whose point of
view you have, into a mother’s domination, a child’s frustration, and a total
collapse of concentration and mechanics by this young man until he totally
tuned her out, burned out, and lost.
The
match was tight. After they made the turn to go to the back nine, the men were
tied. You could start to see cracks in the young man’s game.
I stop here to analyze and reveal to you
exactly what happened behind the scenes that literally no one was aware of
except maybe the caddy and the played, but neither was aware of what happened
and its effect on them as I was. The constant interference by the well
intentioned mom had started to distract this young man from concentrating on
each shot. He needed to be in a relaxed state of mind so his muscles could execute
their training over the years in a positive manner. But what happened was the
pre frontal cortex started to but in and wreaks havoc. He couldn’t just play
and enjoy the journey and the competition on his own and let his talents rule
the day. Just like parents yelling at their child from the sidelines in a youth
sports game, this mom hindered, not helped this young man. You could see the
actual struggle play out in this young man’s mind on the golf course, His game
fell apart and he lost.
I have
repeatedly stressed in my talks, the book I wrote on youth sports, and seminars
I give, how important the mental aspect of youth sports are , and how valuable
confidence, and positive reinforcement are to an athlete now and in the future.
They are children, and no matter how much we wish and hope for them to do well,
their lives are journey’s we can’t and shouldn’t try to control the outcome.
That’s not competition but a new bizarre form of entitlement.
Now, if
you have been following my journey through youth sports, and have read my book
you will know that I really truly do not believe that winning or losing this tournament
was such a big deal. What I do believe strongly about is the young man’s future
relationship with his mom, his friends, his future wife, business associates,
and his children.
You may think that this is reach but I assure
it is not. I have watched this scenario play out over and over again in many
different sports with many different families and the outcome is almost always
the same. With this caveat. Most parents and children fail to see the
connection between what happened to them during their time associated with
youth sports and the travails, failings of relationships and acrimony that
manifests itself later in life with their parents and friends.
Now I am not saying all the problems facing
people in the future are totally a product of youth sports and their
involvement in it. But if you think about the time, importance, money,
prestige, status, and angst you have seen attached to youth sports it becomes
pretty clear that there is a strong influential connection.
This
young man was in tears after the loss. His mom felt terrible as she had THOUGHT
she had done everything she could possibly do to help her son, when the best
thing she could have done was to let him be. Cheer politely when he made a good
shot and support him quietly when he did not. So when he butts in when his
girlfriend is trying to do something, or at his job, or as a dad, or is surly
at a family gathering, no one will remember and connect what happened that weekend
and probably previous weekends to the problems he is having as an adult, well
that is until now. NOW YOU KNOW!
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