Stop The Tsunami

The erosion of youth sports can be linked directly to the decision to have our children play one sport year-round and to the increased monetary commitment to the “pay-for-play” concept.  When did it become acceptable to have personal coaches, surgery before an injury, and rehabilitation as a way to get back on the playing field instead of just getting healthy?  The atmosphere surrounding youth sports programs has changed dramatically and negatively over the years since this concept was created. Good kids, good athletes, are telling their parents that they do not want to play anymore.

                The truth is that they are not having fun. Seventy percent of all youth sports participants at the age of ten stop playing by age thirteen.

                 There are those children who love playing their sports so much they want to play year-round.

                My daughter loves chocolate, but I don’t let her have it all the time. It would make her sick!

                It used to be a normal occurrence for children to play multiple sports. They played one sport for a season, putting away the equipment until the next season. They then went on to the next sport. Kids enjoyed going to practice and playing in games with their teammates. The enjoyment and improvement in skills were enhanced by having balance and diversity. This approach helped to develop the mind and body, together, through years of playing youth sports.  “Specialization” referred to the particular ice-cream or snack the player preferred to eat after each contest.

                It used to be that children had fun playing sports just for the enjoyment of playing with friends.  Between sports, they could have active rest by playing pickup games in different sports or some other unrelated activity.  They could do school work or community service. These all helped to achieve “balanced excellence.”

                Now, children are told by organizations, parents, and coaches to pick a sport and stay with it year-round.  Few people want to talk about where this is leading, as well as what the long-term consequences are if playing year-round doesn’t work out as planned.   There is too much ego and money involved for those close to youth sports to think clearly for the good of the children. No one wants to talk about the children, families, and coaches who have been consumed by this recent phenomenon of specialization. Many have ended up breaking down mentally, physically and emotionally by the journey and results.  They are quietly being pushed aside and their discontent is silenced as a new generation of hopefuls takes their place.  How did this transformation evolve?  Is there something going on in society that helps fuel this change?

                We live in a time of “instant” gratification, information, contact, reward, and success.  Long-term goals are being overrun by short-term gratification, leading to the justification of selfish behavior.  Youth sports have enveloped good people, families, coaches, and school districts like a Tsunami, repeatedly knocking them down until they are too tired to resist.  They just “go with the flow.”  Some fear retribution; others feel they will fall behind or be ostracized by the athletic community in which they socialize and participate.

                Why isn’t the idea of children having fun playing sports good enough anymore?  Why are playing multiple sports discouraged?  What happened to the enjoyment and the importance of the journey?  The value of the process itself has been, at the very least, diminished through year-round playing.  Youth sports have taken on a life of their own in importance and status in our culture.  When did having quality family time, or taking a family vacation become an interruption to the participation in year-round youth sports?  Time away from youth sports should not need an excuse and justification for an absence.  We must get back to the fundamentals of playing for fun, learning life skills, and “balanced excellence.”

                Recently, questions have begun surfacing regarding what is really going on in youth sports.  The long-term ramifications of playing year-round are beginning to emerge.  The idea that children enjoy sports and learn from the experience, taking the journey, has been replaced with short-term gratification and the hope of long-term financial rewards.  Most spend more than they will ever get back.

                Glory, false rewards, and debilitating spending have overwhelmed youth sports. Parents and coaches are led to believe that the way to get to the “pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” can only come from playing one sport year-round. The short term reward of course, is winning. The long term reward is either a scholarship or professional contract.

                This simply is not true.

                Winning has become a primary goal and the mantra for youth sports participation.  The dream of winning has become the goal of each game played each week of each month for an entire year! But what is being won? Who is winning? If winning is everything, does this mean that anything else is losing? Do you or anyone you know ever think that winning validates who you are as a person? Do you have to   win?

                Well, no. We don’t always have to win. We can’t always win. To believe so is being false to the realities of life. But it’s too late. The Tsunami claims another victim.

                If winning is so important can you please tell me the playoff champions in 2010 from the NBA, NHL, MLS, MLB and World Cup, without looking it up?

                Look at what’s happening at youth sports games. Are we pleased with the behavior we see?  The next time you are at a game, mosey on over to where other parents are sitting. Listen to what they say and how they say it. Are you hearing the joy, the humor, the encouragement being offered to the young players? How many parents are “coaching” their children from the sidelines? What is going on? Or, are you listening to yourself? How many times do we cringe when we hear parents yelling at the athletes on the field during a game, and sometimes even at practice?

Do parents really believe that their words of coaching and tutelage are helpful to their children? 

                Twenty kids were asked if it helped them to have parents shout at them from the sidelines during a game. All twenty responded, “No.” When did parents decide that yelling during a game was acceptable?  If there had been a meeting when this was decided, certainly the kids weren’t part of it. They would have said, “That’s not a good idea. It’s hard enough to concentrate on what I’m doing without having you scream at me. It takes all the fun out of it.” Parents and other adults are being swept up in the frenzy of winning to the detriment of the kids…and themselves. Do parents and coaches really think their tirades help the children on the field, court, or ice, to play better? When did parents decide that trying to influence their children’s performance on the playing field, court, or rink was acceptable?

                 Parents say they are competitive, but that is not competitive, it’s butting in where you are not supposed to be. It’s just another form of entitlement. What would happen if everyone yelled at the kids just like you did? Would you want someone to do that continually to you while you were at work trying to do your job? Parents are not part of the competition, and need to stay out of it. College coaches see what you are doing and take note of it. That’s not a good thing. It’s time to Stop The Tsunami!

False Premise False Conclusion

            There is a rising movement, gaining momentum across the land for children to leave their high school teams and go off to play on an “elite” travel team. These teams which cost thousands of dollars to play on have a very flawed premise, in my opinion.

            Talk to the children that have gone through this process, and I have, you will hear a story much different than the glory and fame it is supposed to provide. In one interview on my website you will hear a young man describe what he went through, the injuries he suffered and the time away from his classmates in high school, and how his family is having quite dilemma on whether or not to send the youngest sibling through hat same process and journey.   

            Remember, every player on this travel team is trying to get better to go to ANOTHER higher level team so the atmosphere is ripe for cliques and innuendos. You add the financial pressure the money brings to the table and that certainly does not seem to me to be an atmosphere rich in positives and life skill development. You spend a lot more time as an adult getting along with people than you do competing with them.

             In High School, they are just your friends you hang out with. You can play pickup games in any sport with them just to have fun. PLAY FOR FUN!

            These organizations are under the assumption, all the while making a profit, that people will buy into the thought process that the better team you play on, the better the chances are that your son or daughter will receive a Division I athletic scholarship. That, in my opinion, is simply not true for the VAST majority of the children who play on these teams.

            The coaches I have seen wear their gear everywhere inviting recognition and status to their particular team and organization. By adding a name or an affiliation with a professional sports team they entice people to drink the Kool aid, and follow, like lemmings to the cliff, with a notion of grandeur, attention, status, and financial rewards.

            Stats don’t lie, only one percent of all the kids who go to college play at the Division I level and only half of them ply for free. Many get no athletic SCHOLARSHIP money whatsoever.

             Since I am not a “gotcha” guy, and my company Frozen Shorts is not a company looking to expose any one person or organization, I will analyze the facts, as to what is going on currently with the youth sports paradigm, interpret them for you and explain the consequences of the actions taken for the long term best interests for the children playing youth sports, or the lack thereof.

            Let’s start with the premise that the better the team you play on the better the competition you will play, the better you will get. This is simply not true, in my opinion. Let me explain why. It is a false premise and therefore it will have a false conclusion.

            This team you are on has to have tuition, love that new word, to lay on the team. The coaches get paid the organization gets paid, and by whom? YOU! So, it is in their best interests to keep the money rolling in. There is also the problem as to the other teams you play. What if they don’t recruit the same quality of players that your teams as? What if they have players that are much better? Am I supposed to believe that traveling 500 miles to win or lose 2-1 is better for your development than playing on a local team and losing or winning by the same score? What if there is a blow out? How is that competitive? If I traveled 500 miles to play a game in an “elite” team concept and the game was a blowout either way I would not for a minute think that was great competition.

            The Ivy League colleges are great colleges. But if your child does not have the grades or the family does not have the finances to afford and Ivy League education or simply does not fit in to that life style on campus does that mean he or she will not end up in life with a better education, better job, better marriage, better family, than those who attend there that don’t have a family history of tremendous financial wealth? You see it’s not just playing at a perceived higher level, it’s the FIT! It’s the makeup of the team and the character of the players and COACHES.

             I have heard of one of these teams requiring the parents to sign a contract even before their child tries out that they will agree to play for the team. Let me explain that little ditty. Why would a team or organization do that? Well, in my opinion, and it is an educated one, the reason is simple. Children were trying out for the team to judge how good they were against others trying out at that level, realized that it wasn’t all that much better than what they already doing and declined the invitation to play on the team. This was their way of keeping talent because they were sick of calling players to tell them that they had made the team and having the players decline to play for them.

            I have also heard of teams and organizations that will not allow the children who play on their teams play any other sport. Their mantra of more is better is quite flawed in my opinion. I am also personally aware through my research and data that it is not healthy for a child to play one sport year round. It is that plain and simple. So how can something that is unhealthy for you. Turn out to be a positive? Oh wait; you want the exception to prove the rule. False premise false conclusion.

             MOST of the Olympic athletes played multiple sports. Most great athletes understand that there are TREMENDOUS advantages to the by playing multiple sports. First, you give your muscles and MIND a rest from doing the same thing over and over. Secondly absence does make the heart grow fonder. Third, you meet and play with different kids in different sports where you might not be the best player on that team in that sport. That teaches you humility and sharing. It also exposes you to different styles of coaching and interaction with different adults.

            Let us say this team gathers players from different communities, which they do, in a couple hundred mile radius. The very fact that a lot of these children have to travel a hundred miles or so during the week just to practice when they could be studying is a detriment to their long term development. Next there is the physical wear and tear of practicing, the stress of driving back and forth a couple times a week over an extended period of time, and the time sitting in a car that can only decrease the ability of the mind and the body to recover.

            Now there certainly is the argument that many children have done this to achieve greatness. We have all heard of the family who flew across the country so there son or daughter could play on an elite team, and by doing so achieved a Division scholarship or eventually a professional contract. What you don’t see is how MANY others do this that you don’t hear about, and fail. The FACTS states that way more children and families have followed this path and come up empty than have achieved a full ride Division I scholarship.

So why isn’t that fact a prominent part of the recruiting process for these teams and organizations? Could it be that so many people and organizations are making money for the unsuspecting families that they simply don’t want the gravy train to stop?

            The money the families spend, for the most part far exceeds the amount of financial aid scholarship money. So now we are down to the nitty gritty of this whole youth sports elite travel evolution. Ego and money. The people are being led into believing, and let’s make sure I am clear on this, they want to believe, that writing a check will buy you talent and therefore that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the Division I scholarships.

            Look, the more rested you are the better you will play. The less outside negative stress you have surrounding your team and the players on it the better you ill play. The more positive reinforcement you get form teammates coaches and parents the better you will play, and the better you will get. Now if you think those characteristics are exclusive to an “Elite’ travel team, than my book and philosophy are not for you. However if you are in the vast majority of people who are questioning this new mantra that more is better, I thank you for listening and I hope you will consider buying my book Stop the Tsunami in Youth Sports and let’s get back to the premise that playing youth sports for fun is the most basic sound fundamental reason to have our children be health both physically and mentally now and in the future.

Clayton's Journey and My Revelation

                 Today’s blog is going to take on a different tone. I mostly write about what is going on in youth sports and connect it to the general health and well being of all involved. For those who have been following my blogs you are going to see introspection today. An event happened in our family’s life on Monday that literally stopped me from functioning as I normally do. Well I am not sure my family would say how I act and talk is normal, but once again as I tend to do, I digress.

                My son went off to college Monday. As I say that I want to make it clear that he moved about five miles away from home. Although I have set up rules for visits (once a month, and only for a few hours if HE wants to) I was struck by how much that event tore at my very being. We had talked as a family about how it was time for him to begin his journey of independence and self enlightenment. We had planned for this day and talked about it on more than one occasion.

                He has had his struggles. His senior year in high school was not filled with a tremendous interest in academics. As a 92% student he basically watched as his grades faltered. The grades got to the point where I chose to remove him from the varsity baseball team. Now let me say that I believe sports HELP students with their grades on most occasions. They keep the student focused and disciplined. But sometimes a decision has to be made to say this behavior is no longer acceptable and there are consequences, not excuses.

                He had shown an interest in the Coast Guard Academy and had attended their A.I.M. program in the summer and done quite well. He got all the way to the final interview, which the recruiter told us was the second best interview he had ever had with a perspective recruit. He had attended the Navy soccer camp and the coach had put in a word for Clayton with the Coast guard Academy soccer coach. And then it hit. He had Asthma as a child and when his medical report was red flagged he had to take another physical and an endurance test. He failed.

                We moved on from that and he enrolled in the local community college. This an option that many people push to the side for ego or status related prejudices, but I can assure you, these colleges, especially the one my son attended are a viable, valuable option. They also can save you a boat load of money to keep you and your family out of a huge college debt. His grades skyrocketed. I am not sure if he was humbled, I am not sure if he saw others there struggling and realized what a gift he had, or if he just figured out that it was time to get his butt in gear. When we walked about it, even he wasn’t sure what happened to flip the switch.

                 He has gotten numerous compliments were he has worked, and offers within the Country Club to advance and take other jobs. He has worked double shifts. He would caddy in the morning and then go right to work in the dining room after he was finished on the golf course. He showed a tremendous work ethic and made comments to us that showed he got the big picture. To say that I am proud of him would be a gross understatement.

               

                In the last year he has blossomed into an outstanding young man. His enthusiasm to get started on this new adventure was evident and supported fully by my wonderful wife and myself. It was time to go. He had new friends and different interest and as well as we got along you could see cracks started to form in the way we related to each other. As subtle as they were most of the time, they were clearly signs as to what was in Clayton’s best interest now and in the future.

                I was fine when we moved him in to the dorm and even as we said good bye at the car. Then as we drove away my wife turned to see him and the look on her face, and watching my son run up the steps to the dorm to catch a glimpse of us as we drove off hit me like a sledgehammer.

                 Holy crap. I started to have the same feelings that I had when my mother passed away three years ago this month. We were very close and I remember feeling these same thoughts now as I did then. I thought I was going to be the strong one for my wife and daughter, but as it turned out I was not much help in that area. For two days I moped around the house even going into his bedroom and sitting on his bed reflecting on the journey and process we had gone thought o get to this point. And I am here to tell you it wasn’t a pleasant time. But I realized that millions of parents had gone though this event and come out the other side o.k. but that was really lip service and didn’t help.AT ALL.

                Here’s what did help. It started last night as my wonderful daughter Molly asked if she could go to her high school and watch the varsity volleyball team play. She goes to an all girl’s school and is quite embedded in the journey there. This summer she has helped paint and redecorate a part of the school and went in early to help the new children coming to the school get acclimated to the surroundings, she has a big heart, just like her mother.

                This morning my daughter Molly started her senior year in high school. As we got started this morning, without Clayton, I saw the hope and anticipation in my daughter’s words and actions and it all started to get better for me. I realized that not only was this sadness I felt a natural response as I had been a stay at home dad for nine years after I retired from coaching, but that it was way more important to see this as a beginning for both of our children and to make sure I did not go out of my way to make this about me and my desire to keep our tight knit family together. This would only add negativity and guilt to a situation that was supposed to be a positive move for both our kids. It was time for both children to move on, spread their wings and fly. So today, the teacher was taught by the students.

                 It was not my job as a parent to be their friend as they grew up. And now, it was not my time to hold them back and lesson the thrill of their new adventure. I truly hope and pray that down the road as they start their own career and families that they will want to come back to see us, not feel an obligation to do so. Only time will tell.

                If we as parents had done our job properly this was the natural extension and conclusion to their upbringing on our home. We had taught them to be independent thinkers, thoughtful and compassionate people and to care for others as they do themselves. We stressed the importance of manners and a solid work ethic.

                 We wished for them a bright future and much happiness all the while explaining to them that life was not fair. They would see many things in their lives that they will question and hopefully we have helped them build a foundation of trust and honor that will serve them well now and in the future. We let them make mistakes as they grew up and provided them guidelines, and what I hope was wisdom to be able to decide and choose the path that best fits their dreams and ideals.

                I have said on many occasions when I speak to groups that in Psychology, there is one new case in ten million and this is not it when describing the problems facing youth sports and the people involved. It so important to let go and have the children learn at their own pace and time.

                 One of my favorite expressions is.”It’s not my job to determine, when, how, or even if the light goes on for those involved in youth sports, my job is to just keep flipping the switch.

                Clayton may your journey be filled with all the things life will brings you. It only then that you will be able to tell the difference from what is right and wrong for you. You will learn to embrace and appreciate the difference between selfishness and short sightedness and the need to be positive, think long term, and the importance of caring for others to give more that you receive. To Molly, well after this experience with your brother you can just stay at home with your mom and I FOREVER!!! (Just kidding….maybe)

Mother, Smother, and Lose

                This story is about a young teen age golfer who was playing in his club championship. His family belongs to a very exclusive country club. The level of competition for this championship is quite elite. Most of the golfers are at least a 2 or 3 handicap and there are more than one scratch golfer playing. Only the top sixteen qualify to play in the tournament. This young man had won the championship the year before as a seventeen year old and defending this prestigious championship “plate” was extremely difficult.

                 The three day tournament consisted of one 18 hole match the first day, two 18 hole matches the second day, provided you won the first, and then a 36 hole marathon on Sunday for the championship.

                The first day he was pitted against the sixteenth best player in the tournament as the defending champion. He won easily. The next day he had to play two matches, which were single elimination, eighteen holes a piece. The first match on the second day was not as easy. This opponent was a previous club champion. This is when it started to get interesting.  

                Understand that at this point the young man is feeling good about himself. His confidence is high. He and the caddy had played youth sports together (not golf) and you could see the bond and comfort level between the two. The golfer is kind of quiet and the caddy seems to be a very sociable kind of guy. He was an accomplished athlete in his own right playing two team sports at the varsity level in High School.

                 Two friends competing as a team, enjoying being together in a competitive environment. One, the caddy, in a supporting role, the other knowing full well the importance of feeling confident to play well, had entrusted his mental well being on the golf course to his friend and colleague based on the journey they had shared, and the friendship they had formed, while playing youth sports together.     There was a great balance between them and obvious trust, two key components in youth sports and life. It was a pleasure to watch. With no interference or micro managing, these two young men had figured out how to best approach this tournament by themselves, as they should.

                During the first day, the young man’s mom was in attendance and was quite cordial. She bought the caddie something to eat and drink, and was generally quiet an unassuming. Things changed drastically the second day as the competition rose. The mom was hovering. She was giving the young guy instructions about how to play. The further in to the tournament the more she interjected into the proceedings. She even started giving instructions to the caddy about what to say and do with her son on the golf course. She would tell the caddy to “help him finish his back swing.” She then commented about hydration, eating, and toweling off. You could see the caddy trying to be polite to the mom, all the while wanting to concentrate on helping his pal and friend stay focused. The first match on the second day ended in a victory.

Well since this match had ended in a victory the mom subconsciously thought that she needed to escalate her involvement in the second match that day. If it helped him win the first match, WHICH IT DIDN’T, then surely following the youth sports a mantra that more is better, she had better up the anty in this next match.

                The second match that day escalated or deteriorated depending on whose point of view you have, into a mother’s domination, a child’s frustration, and a total collapse of concentration and mechanics by this young man until he totally tuned her out, burned out, and lost.

                The match was tight. After they made the turn to go to the back nine, the men were tied. You could start to see cracks in the young man’s game.

                 I stop here to analyze and reveal to you exactly what happened behind the scenes that literally no one was aware of except maybe the caddy and the played, but neither was aware of what happened and its effect on them as I was. The constant interference by the well intentioned mom had started to distract this young man from concentrating on each shot. He needed to be in a relaxed state of mind so his muscles could execute their training over the years in a positive manner. But what happened was the pre frontal cortex started to but in and wreaks havoc. He couldn’t just play and enjoy the journey and the competition on his own and let his talents rule the day. Just like parents yelling at their child from the sidelines in a youth sports game, this mom hindered, not helped this young man. You could see the actual struggle play out in this young man’s mind on the golf course, His game fell apart and he lost.

                I have repeatedly stressed in my talks, the book I wrote on youth sports, and seminars I give, how important the mental aspect of youth sports are , and how valuable confidence, and positive reinforcement are to an athlete now and in the future. They are children, and no matter how much we wish and hope for them to do well, their lives are journey’s we can’t and shouldn’t try to control the outcome. That’s not competition but a new bizarre form of entitlement.

                Now, if you have been following my journey through youth sports, and have read my book you will know that I really truly do not believe that winning or losing this tournament was such a big deal. What I do believe strongly about is the young man’s future relationship with his mom, his friends, his future wife, business associates, and his children.

                 You may think that this is reach but I assure it is not. I have watched this scenario play out over and over again in many different sports with many different families and the outcome is almost always the same. With this caveat. Most parents and children fail to see the connection between what happened to them during their time associated with youth sports and the travails, failings of relationships and acrimony that manifests itself later in life with their parents and friends.

                 Now I am not saying all the problems facing people in the future are totally a product of youth sports and their involvement in it. But if you think about the time, importance, money, prestige, status, and angst you have seen attached to youth sports it becomes pretty clear that there is a strong influential connection.

                This young man was in tears after the loss. His mom felt terrible as she had THOUGHT she had done everything she could possibly do to help her son, when the best thing she could have done was to let him be. Cheer politely when he made a good shot and support him quietly when he did not. So when he butts in when his girlfriend is trying to do something, or at his job, or as a dad, or is surly at a family gathering, no one will remember and connect what happened that weekend and probably previous weekends to the problems he is having as an adult, well that is until now. NOW YOU KNOW!