Adult Scheduling Olympics

Adult Schedule Olympics:

For those of you who have followed my blogs you probably saw this one coming a mile away. In the course of my attending over 2000 youth and high school sporting events, a constant theme has started to emerge. Parents are complaining about their hectic youth, club, and high school sports child delivery service. Some combination of all four mixed together has produced a new psychological status paradigm.  I call it the “My schedule is so much tougher than yours Olympics.”

I have written and talked about the “keep up with the Jones mentality pervasive in youth and high school sports. ( and society) There is an idea and strong belief that if I don’t do all these things for and with my children they will fall behind the other kids, and then there life will somehow be change dramatically for the worse, forever. (Or at least the parents and coaches are convinced of this)

Nonstop, at almost every single event that I attend in my “fly on the wall” mode I hear this refrain constantly. “My son/daughter has to be at this event at this time or another. Then I have to go take them to another one the same day in another city, or hurry back from there to play another game in their hometown. Next weekend I have to be in three places at once, so my spouse and I won’t see each other all weekend.” Whoa is me. Look at all I am doing for my kids, Not to be outdone, another parent chimes in with their schedule, and it is ALWAYS more hectic than the first parents lament. And when the schedules can’t be ramped up any higher the amount of money is brought up. They never say exactly how much they are spending. A simple statement rattled off listing ALL the places, equipment, and teams that they are involved in so you have no doubt that they are under a lot of stress and financial burden.

Then the Gold medal entry comes in. “Well I wish that was all WE had to do for our son. We had to take him to a Sports Orthopeadic surgeon (Insert Dr. name for status purposes only.) Then we had to take him to a personal trainer (insert first name ONLY of trainer for status purposes) and then he went for Physical therapy.

Well it does not have to be that way. The race they are being told that they are falling behind does not exist. In actuality, all that running around, is probably causing their child to be fatigued. This fatigue actually hinders a child’s development and makes the child more susceptible to injury. Also, psychologically, when a child feels the pressure to do all these things because they HAVE to and not because they want to, their desire and passion fade, it becomes a tedious job.

 Lastly the data points to rest being a crucial part of a child’s athletic development, and all the travel, multiple teams, and multiple events tires children out.

The very stress that the parents are complaining about for them is actually happening to their children on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. How ironic. The idea that you can try and mimic what you THINK top athletes are doing and have your child become an elite athlete and not be just a weaker copied version is inaccurate. While expecting professional results from this process is misguided at best and certainly has the potential to be very unhealthy children are not being allowed to be children.

At Frozen Shorts our organic holistic balanced way for a child to develop is less costly financially, physically, and mentally. The journey taken through the F.S.L.M. is more long term lasting, healthier, and of course my favorite, more fun!

Let the dream take her as far as it can

“Let the dream take her as far as it can”

I have heard this statement form well meaning parents repeatedly over the last five years. This story encompasses them all into one poignant moment.

 I had a parent bring his daughter to me after one of our presentations and tell me: “My daughter is an excellent athlete and a great lax player. I am going to give her every financial advantage and support that I can so she can live her dream.”

This little girl had on a pink hoodie and was only 12 years old. Her father was at least 6” 4” tall and a good 250 pounds. His hand was so big I could barely see this young girl’s hand as he held her close. I kneltd down to speak to her as I feel looking children directly in the eye at their level is critical to gain their trust and show that you truly care.

I simply asked her: “Would you like to go play with your friends from school tonight and do something different?” She looked me right in the eye and her face grew all aglow. Her smile lit up the room and reminded me of when my wonderful young daughter was playing at the playground with her friends having a ball without any interference from adults.

At that point her father glared at me, squeezed her hand, and all the joy in that little girl’s face was completely drained out. It was replaced by body language that was sad and fearful. He walked away with more than just her physical being; he walked away with that little girl’s dreams.

You see she was only 12 years old. And yes it is true that many children will say they want to play, and keep playing that sport, because they love it. But in that one instance, I saw a scenario that I have watched play out over the last 20 years of my coaching, mentoring, and parenting life. A child’s reality was sacrificed, even with very well meaning parents, for the parent’s need to keep up with the “Joneses” on their child’s team, their associates in work place, and their friends in the community.

 Television with the professional athletes, and the way TV is mass covering college, high school, and youth sports is sending a message of professionalism to parents and children that is myopic, misleading, and unhealthy. Words and descriptions used to define a childs developing athletic talent that not so long ago was only used for the very top of heap athletes, and only those who were 15 and 16 years old. This extrinsic force of glory, money, and status permeates the air waves. I am not here to decry that coverage. There is obviously a supply and a demand for it. But what I do question is the message it is sending to parents, coaches, and athletes. If that they don’t play year round on the best “elite” travel team, get personal trainers, play in showcases, and devote their free time to specialization instead of balance, that there is a race that parents are falling behind in.

However, it is a race that doesn’t exist.

We want children to dream. We want them to use their imaginations and creativity to think happy and wonderful things. But there is a difference between dreams and goals, and it is the parents role to know that difference and keep it in  perspective. Because when those dreams are not realized there can be a tremendous push back from the children. We see it every day.

Trophies for Everyone

Trophies for everyone

At each and every presentation I am asked about my opinion on whether or not trophies should be handed out to all the children participating in a youth sports game. My answer is no. Not only do I not think that all the kids should get a trophy, I do not believe that the adults in charge of these children’s activities should even keep score. Before the age of 13 it should be equal play.

Putting an extrinsic value on child’s play is a relatively new concept. Whether it be in the form of a trophy, or in a fancy new uniform or organizational gear, the belief that a child should have his or her self worth determined by something they are wearing or getting materialistically , is not backed by any science or child psychology. Giving a child a trophy to let him or her know whatever they do requires some kind of recognition or external reward goes against the very proven concept that children need to learn from internal realization and not external forces.

Science, psychology and even data gleaned from studies on childhood behavior over centuries,  not just the last 30 years, does not support the current youth sports dynamic as being a safe, healthy, educational path ,and journey for most children participating. On the contrary it is becoming in the words of the Chief of Pediatrics/Orthopeadics at URMC a national health problem.

Children grow and understand at different times and at different paces. To lop them all together into a situation that requires then to compete against each other in the very atmosphere that that should be learning cooperation and sharing to build a stronger self, is against the very nature of childhood growth and long term development. Giving them a trophy for that only confuses them.

The belief that somehow an adult youth sports coach can come in and teach children how to win and the consequences and benefits of winning and losing, when even the very top professional coaches and team owners don’t know how to win, is amusing at best and in reality quite impossible and frustrating to understand. So the reaction to this was, well we have to do something, so let’s give them all trophies. No.

Let the kids play for fun. Let them learn from each other. Allow them to fall down, get up and learn from their mistakes and failures, without the needless extrinsic pressure of winning and losing.

 A trophy at the end of a game or tournament is just another misguided and certainly not scientific or psychologically based reaction by adults to put their feelings and egos into a child’s play and fun, and make everything nice nice for their kids. It really is just another form of entitlement. The trophy just ends being put in the basement or worse, as part of a shrine reminding the child that their life is tied to a great extent to their youth sports journey. Hey, no pressure there.

 It is psychologically proven that children are creative and learn more when left alone to their own path and journey with less structure and more freedom. When this environment is created, children will literally play all day by themselves, or at least until they are exhausted, or called home for dinner.

Guidance in the form of positive support and having to have your child be the best in that small myopic group you call a youth sports or high school team has thrown this whole journey out of whack.

 At frozen Shorts, we are bringing the backyard back. Coming soon, we hope, to a community near you.